Yesterday I made an agonizing but correct choice.
As you probably are aware, I have been working on strengthening my arm so I could drive my power chair!
Let me tell you that this has been an exercise with much blood sweat and tears.
Unfortunately this process has yielded limited positive results 😦
Just last week I told my physiotherapist with a determined and tear soaked face that, “I will never give up!”.
There was silence after my outburst. I’ve said those words so many times during the past 5 years to stimulate success!
I later found out that my wife left the room in tears. The reason for this will become clear soon.
My outburst came on the heels of a discussion about alternatives to driving with my hand, such as head controls to maneuver the chair. Considering the proficiency with which I had driven before my hospitalization, I felt I could get back to that place. As well, I viewed not driving with albeit limited movement in my hand as a loss of my independence. Please understand that my independence is something that’s very precious to me!!
Following a few more failed attempts, I found myself at a crossroad.
Should I keep with my dream no matter how long it would take, or was there a compelling reason to forgo on my dream?
If you know me, the reason to forgo would have to be pretty compelling!
After much soul searching and serious discussion with my wife, we decided to forgo on our dream.
The reason for which was because we discovered the true priority in my life.
After nearly dying last summer, I attained a sharper focus on what life is all about.
If I am in this world, I want to live my life to the fullest! That might mean sacrificing a personal goal for a better outcome.
I want to spend time with my family on outings just like we used to! I want to fully participate in my family’s lives and not have to stay home and miss out!
If I spend the warm Ottawa months practicing to drive on my own, I will necessarily miss out on a meaningful period of my children’s lives.
This is my priority!
But I must realistically admit that it comes at a great personal price.
I cherish any independence that I can muster! Life has become a huge loss of my independence. So anything that I can do on my own is so precious for me !
Therefore it pains me emotionally to not drive myself.
The linchpin is that my power-chair weights 400 pounds! And my family and caregivers actually have had to push this monstrous chair around the house so long that I could not drive it myself.
In short, I took a look at the high price I`d be paying by my extended learning curve and I decided that life is too short.
As well, I did not want to be a burden on others.
In all of our lives, we will find ourselves at a cross road that necessitates us to make tough choice.
We can do the convenient or desired thing, or we can choose the right thing.
Lets hope that we have the wherewithal to make the right choices for us and our families!